If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Randomize
