Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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