I feel like abortions should bother me more
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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