nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
