Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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