Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
