come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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