I am in a vortex of obligation.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
