Need sex. Gaining weight.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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