I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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