i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
where are my eyebrows?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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