I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
