Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
My penis needs a shock collar
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You almost got us killed.
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