My sheets look like a crime scene.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
