You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
