I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
