So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
