why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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