can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Randomize
