Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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