I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
