3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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