And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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