I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
