Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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