Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
