I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
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