So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
