I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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