I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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