I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
