just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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