champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
