Have you finally orgasmed yet?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
