I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
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