I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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