dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
