I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize