Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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