Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
