you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
