My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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