I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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