meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
