My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
