You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
