It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
