i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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