we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
