I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
