You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
