If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
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