Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
