I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
