i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
