Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
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