I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
